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Update. Yeah. That's overdue.  
01:24pm 21/02/2011
 *cracks her fingers*

Ok. I haven't updated in...ok, forever. I was looking back through this blasted journal to find that I haven't posted anything useful in over 2 years. Damn. 

Divorce: Yes. It is a good thing.
My husband and I decided that it was in both of our best interests to part ways. I moved into the commune. Yeah...THAT went well. OMGod. Bad juju. No writees about that one. New House, better roommates, lots of yay.

Friends: Changed. It is a painful good thing.
There's only so far someone can push you, I think. I grew a backbone. But in return, the universe has blessed me with some amazing people that make me happy.

Writing: Hypocrite, but not for long.
When your writing partner destroys your faith in humanity, your desire to write or be in school for writing suffers. After a year, though, I'm finally coming back. I have a new partner (sometimes) and it is good. It is very good.

Relationships: Yay!
I'm getting handfasted in April to an amazing guy. -SO- excited.

Religion: New Grove!
I am pleased to announce the establishment of the Students of the Golden Bough. Also known as the Cult of Cheesecake. Praise Cheesus!

I don't have much else. School, writing, handfasting, Grove. So here's my update. Whee.
I feel accomplishedaccomplished
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Musings on Mary  
11:34pm 29/04/2009
I finally got the new CD I wanted, an old Christian artist I used to listen to when I was first designing Mary. I lost it years ago, and I finally got to hear it again, and I'm slowly finding that core to the girl I've been searching for. I forgot how deeply rooted Mary is in christianity and her faith.

No Place To Lay My HeadCollapse )
The profound sadness behind Mary, the struggle towards redemption and forgiveness is something that is definately not 'emo'. I need to remember that aspect dearly.
I feel contemplativecontemplative
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Me = Jump off Cliff. GO LEMURS GO! YAY!  
11:51pm 24/04/2009
Comment and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.

In return, you must post this in your LJ.

To sweeten the deal, here's a real update - I went to Zombie Walk today. It was TEH AWESOME. Hundreds of people dressed in zombie makeup and etc. horror crap wandering down Beale and Main. The awesome factor is truly amazing. *does a superhuman pose* I got pic'd a lot, had a blast.

WTF is up with Twitter? You know what? I'm going to go get a twitter acct, play with it for the next day, then delete it. I REFUSE TO JOIN THIS HORRIBLE AWFUL FAD! My -HUSBAND- got a Twitter acct. Screw that. Fuck.

Happy Summer, boys and girls, I'm taking the time off to write.

I feel contentcontent
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02:53am 23/12/2008
Well, it's that time again. The time when Joy cleans her house spotless and bakes cookies. Ok, well maybe not AGAIN...

Come on by the house sometime today, ladies and gents, the 23rd of December. There will be a fire in the fireplace and cookies and drinks...though bring your own liquor if that's your bent.

We'll be open all day for hanging out, fun, even games. We'd love to see as many people as we can today.

Call 901-647-2231 if you need directions. It's my cell, and it'll be on all day.

Happiest of Holidays, and a Merry Yule to all of you. May the Mother bless you and keep you all the days of your life, and a lovely Merry Christmas.

I feel chipperchipper
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New Userpics  
09:07am 25/11/2008
I started playing around with some animation shop, and since Worious is my friggin' life right now, I made Worious icons. Yay me.

Roman Icon

I'm especially proud of the last one. Hee.

Mild Update: Mike bought a laptop. OMG whee. It gets here next week, and is so much better than this one...simply because the screen isn't failing and the cord falling apart.
Mild Update #2: I'm on Chapter 6 of the book with Adam. This makes me very happy.
Mild Update #3: I passed all of my classes this semester, mostly with very nice looking grades. Yay!
Mild Update #4: My life is pretty boring. I have a few good friends who I adore, I miss others that have left my universe, and the world spins on.

Hey. Look. It spins.


I feel creativecreative
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Random Mary Meez.  
09:39pm 10/10/2008

I feel creativecreative
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The ETERNAL CONFLICT: Anime vs. Live-Action  
04:30am 31/07/2008

Addendum: Having now attempted to find ALL things Sailor on the intarwebz, I have decided that I hate France and wish that Blaze and I could make a fanvid of our sailors, which are much cooler and more original than France's. But I can't draw. Maybe I can. I did Void, didn't I? Dammit. *goes to get pictures*
I feel thoughtfulthoughtful
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My Love, wasn't enough...  
11:55am 13/06/2008
Things have been fantastically tense lately. Sorry about the emo. I beg to put before you emo mental vomit onscreen.
For your protection, the emo has been placed under an LJ cut.
Nothing can hold you back now...Collapse )

FINISH EMO! *cute anime post* {tink}

I feel Hmm.Hmm.
What I'm Listening To: Evanescence Overload
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Mark Your Calendars and Write On Your HANDS with SHARPIES!  
10:18am 26/05/2008
Do you have a car? Or does your friend?

Do you have some spare time sometime between Wednesday and Saturday?

Do you like beer??


And I am moving. I am putting out the call. You want beer? Help me move. It's not that far, i.e. from Midtown to the U of M area. Shoot me an RSVP and I'll know how much beer to buy. (Yes, for those of you who don't like beer, there will be bitchbeer.) Oh, and there will be some gas money involved.


p.s. If you do not lift a finger and show up expecting liquidy rewards, you will not be getting them. Screw you.
I feel excitedexcited
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The camera and I.  
12:29am 22/05/2008
So I have finally decided to give in and get a Flickr account. I've posted 28 pictures, all of them parts of various shoots. Many of you are possibly IN these pictures. Be aware that I have used pseudonyms for you.

I'd appreciate if you would comment, and let me know...

Also, be aware. These are in an album called 'Where I'm From', which means I'm not really focused on the quality of the images or anything like that. I'm more concerned with putting together a portfolio of what I've just been doing off-handedly for the last 3 years and have something to compare against when I learn to use the Nikon.


Where I'm From:

Experiments with Dark Girl

I feel artisticartistic
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Happy Mother's Day  
03:15pm 11/05/2008
I'm having a tough time today.

I miss you, Meana.

Love, Mom.
I feel sadsad
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07:00am 28/04/2008
I just woke up from a hideously disturbing dream. Ward's been hurt again, I know it. Something's wrong. I haven't thought of him in weeks, and last night he died in my dreams, and his brother blamed me, and now I wake up crying. I miss his friendship...and I worry when I dream like this. I know something's wrong. I hope he's all right. I just wish there wasn't any bullshit so I could call him. I want to know he's ok.
I feel worriedworried
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Stolen from Blaze...a test.  
01:08am 25/04/2008

My Personality
Openness to Experience
You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You like the security of tradition, but sometimes have a desire to bend the rules and challenge conventional thinking. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up, however you are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.

The best UGG Boots.

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02:08am 13/03/2008

Hey. Who cares huh? That's my motto. Eh, sleep tight Cheryl. Sleep tight, Miss Refinements. Sleep tight Poetry Lady. Sleep tight, Mr. Serious. Maybe you'll feel better tomorrow. Hallelujah.
- Pump Up the Volume, Hard Harry
I feel DoneDone
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The 5 main men in my past.  
07:43am 17/01/2008
Well...I'm finally changing my name next month. It's made me reflect on all the people in my life, all the relationships I've had. I even went looking around on the internet for my exes, oddly enough, to see how they've been doing.

N is married now. He's so happy, and he actually talked to me at con, which made me ecstatically happy. The most I ever wanted from him was just...just to be friends. He was a good friend, and...we never really said the 3 words, or made any promises, and I have good memories of it. And I'm really fantastically pleased that he's happy now with his wife, who I think is a real sweetheart, though I think she's a little leery of me, since she doesn't talk to me much. I do miss him as a friend. He was the first to introduce me to gaming, bless his heart. haha!

J is still an ass. I'm friends with Grace again, which is an amazing thing I still am in fantastic awe of. We worked on sewing her dress last night that she's going to wear to stand for me at my wedding, which makes me happy. But he effed her over good, and is still the same lying, cheating, sack of shit I knew 4 years ago. I wish he'd stop lying. He has everything going for him, but just doesn't seem to want to succeed at anything. I do miss his stories.

J2 has turned, if anything, more introverted. It's almost depressing. He treated me like an absolute queen, and he was a good man. It was simply his obsessive desire to use me for his sole source of human contact and entertainment. It wasn't his fault, my cute little Crow baby. I couldn't handle something like that. It was me. Really, it was me. But I do wish him the best, and wish he would come out of his room sometime.

J3 is now married to our girlfriend. How depressing. Still the pompous arse he was 3 years ago. Oh well. He's rather like J the first. Hm. But tells better stories. Just tends to get really emo on alcohol. I wish him the best, and my best wish for him is to grow up a little more, even though he's older than me. Our gf needs to do the same, even though I know they think they're more mature and maybe they'll think I'm out of place to think that. Good luck.

W. What do I say about W? I went and read his blogs. Apparently he has now assigned blame somewhere else, again. *sigh* I suppose, since our lives no longer touch, that he needs to say the things he does so that he can move on. I still refuse to renig my accusations, though. He did more than grab me. He left bruises. But...you know what? He was going through a time in his life that I...wow, I hate saying this...that I couldn't handle. No one could. The hate and the anger was taken out on me. What I had to do...God, I wish some days I hadn't have had to do. I miss L more than you can possibly imagine. But nothing was the same since we lost M. I had a dream about W lately. That we met on the street and I embraced him, and asked him how he was doing. When I woke up, I understood something. That one day, some day in the future, we'll meet up again in some ungodly random situation, and I will have forgiven him. I didn't think that was in me, but it's there. There was a reason I was completely in love with him for the longest time. He was wonderful then. I'm just sorry his mental breakdown had to happen with me. He has a new girl now, in Alaska. They seem...happy, I suppose, but I can't help but wonder how that's going to go, if he's really healed. Or why B still talks to him after she accuses him of rape...that's a little bit beyond me, but ok. I wish you the best, baby. We just couldn't make it, but I hope someone wonderful does.

Sometimes I look back and try to remember these people, and why I loved them in the beginning. I refuse to insult myself and say 'well, they were always bad news'. They weren't. There was something beautiful about all of them, or I wouldn't have spent part of my life caring about them. And I still see the beauty in all of them. I sure wish them the best. M is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life, and I wish that each of these people find their greatest thing. I find myself wanting them to just be happy where they are and where they are going. I can't be angry anymore. My life is M. My past is my past. And those that either hold or once held part of my heart...I just love that part of them that made parts of my past either very good or...learning experiences.

I miss you. All of you. I hope you're happy. And my remembered love goes with you...whether you know it or not.
I feel AcceptingAccepting
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09:05am 04/01/2008

And, direct to website:

I feel excitedexcited
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07:15pm 01/12/2007
My site for Deus Rex is finally up. I'm still working on putting the rest of the info up.

Here it is, for all my peeps.


Have fun!
I feel excitedexcited
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Of GREAT Interest  
09:39pm 28/11/2007
Good evening, Memphis. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any girl. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, are celebrated with a nice holiday. I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly not remembered by our country, by taking some time out of our daily lives today to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way.

Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?

Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well, certainly there are those who are more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable in time, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the current government, Willie Herenton. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. No one has sought to end that silence, and in all fact he has continued in his power. It is time to remind this city and this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives.

So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you, then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me in the next year, outside the gates of the Justice Building, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.

p.s. Isn't it uncanny how well that fits us, ladies and gentlemen? I wonder...how many of you will think I'm being deep and that I'm not serious? That I'm just quoting/re-editing a movie I like? How many of you will think that I'm just seeing who will reply, like a chain letter long forgot? And how many of you will prove me right, and show up? I'm highly curious.
I feel MilitantMilitant
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05:47pm 21/11/2007
It's funny how
Life turns out
THe odds of faith in the face of doubt
Camera One Closes in
The soundtrack starts the scene begins

We're playing you now.
Oh my god I forgot how bad this hurt.
Just... ow.
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05:34pm 21/11/2007
I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong

And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.
Runnin' in circles, Comin' up tails,
Heads on the science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin', At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,Come back and haunt me,
Oh on I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

Sorry Big Sister.
I feel crushedcrushed
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Fine, I'll do it too.  
08:20pm 07/11/2007
Comment, and I will comment back with a picture of the fictional character that most reminds me of you. Then post the same in your journal.
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Sad News  
06:09am 02/11/2007
Please pray (or whatever) for the Scott/Carpenter family. David Scott, Adam Scott's father, passed away yesterday at 4:00 p.m. Details for any of you interested in attending services will be posted eventually.

Rachel, Adam, Jason. Our hearts are with you.

Thank You
I feel sadsad
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Sad News  
11:04pm 15/10/2007
A good friend of mine's father is in very dire straights in St. Francis.

If you are a pagan, please pray to your gods. If you are a Christian, please ask Jesus to keep him in his arms. If you are an atheist, please keep them in your thoughts.

Please, oh please, spend some positive energy this way. He's not doing too well.
I feel worriedworried
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V for Very Interesting  
04:51am 01/09/2007
I have just come downstairs from watching V for Vendetta, and had such a strong emotion that I wished to write about it.

Someone told me this is an anti-American film. I can't say that this is what I feel about it. Anti-current policy, perhaps. And should they apologize for making a film whose subtexts are synonymous with America? I do not believe so. No, the thrust of this film is my personal activist favorite, freedom vs. safety. How much do we give up? How far do we go? What are we willing to sacrifice to feel safer? And then...who becomes the unsafe? Which of us is the threat? How many of us end up in jail cells for accepting the safety of others in return for our own freedom? And where does the line get drawn?

So many questions. As the inspector says...would you really want to know?

The sheep of this country...and perhaps more of the world, would entirely prefer not to know in any way. If the job is done, and their little microcosms are safe, then yes, they'll approve and move on with their lives until they are stopped in their tracks by something they didn't see. Power. Safety is power. Freedom is power. The eternal struggle of the two is the great question of humanity, of how much power to keep and how much to give away. How much freedom do you want? Do you want your neighbor to have the freedom to steal your rosebushes? Of course not. But do you want your neighbor to be too afraid of who is safe and who is not so as not to greet you while checking his mail? Where is the greater flaw?

We sign our lives away. We cheer as the ship sinks, and refuse to jump off because we love this boat. We love the ground under our feet and the freedom to write letters such as the one I am typing now. We love the red and the blue and the white and the people who protect us. The adage 'if you don't like it, leave,' is not where the answer lies. No, our love carries us through the gauntlet to the whipping post and we air our blood to the sun for this land. And when it is ill, we are ill with it. And when a mother knows her child is ill, does she run away? No. She will care for it. Cherish it. Nourish it until it grows into its own health again.

Numerous books, movies,...God, every media imaginable are screaming what we cannot ourselves say. That it takes a single sentance, a single word to change the face of the world, if spoken in the right time, at the right place. You ask why I did not say by the right person, but you see it doesn't matter. Our generation, the generation that knows what this world could be but isn't, is the last who has this chance. The next generation, having grown up without the idealism of our parents, will not know the difference in what is and what should be. A single person, any person who will be listened to, could say the words.

We stand on the precipice of all things. Of change, of disaster, of war, of peace, of crossroads. Regardless of what you believe, what you practice, what your opinions are, this time, this place is sacred and will be remembered for all of the future that this point in history was where it all started. Where what started I cannot say, but it is NOW. It is the last chance we have.

Speak and the world listens. One says something, another repeats it. Irregardless of the movie's plot or acting or art direction or anything else about it, one thing is deadly true. An idea is bullet proof. An idea spawns the world to lose it's fear, to see things as they should be and not as they are. An idea brings a spark back into the dead eyes you pass in the streets. An idea mobilizes the spirit of this land we bleed for, die for, care for, live for. An idea is the canvas upon which our future is painted.

Others have mentioned distaste at the hero's penchant for terrorism. Ah, the great word terrorism. The word we have come to fear, to run from, to discipline at the highest cost. Now. DO NOT THINK that this is a thing I condone here. It is not. The senseless murder of anyone is a travesty that stains the human race. But let us examine the word. Terror is the emotion of fear. An 'ism' is an idea, or the following of an idea. So...is terrorism the idea of fear... or the fear of an idea?

So run the character of V up the flagpole as an anti-hero. Flay his flesh from his bones as the poster child of terrorism and someone to be feared. The idea of this movie is not to raise up such a man as a hero, my friend. It is the desperate plea, the blood cry, the pained violent prodding that such a man must never be allowed to exist. That this situation, a time for violence and terror to exact change must not be allowed to come to be. That someone say something. Do something. Stop the parade of soulless eyes and empty hearts that heralds the dawning of a history we swore never to repeat, and some deny happened.

That there never be a need for someone like V.

Do you hear it? It is the sound of another chance gone to stop another blight on our race and our country and our lives. It is the sound of someone like V being created. It is the sound of the dystopia we all fear and write about and have read and seen since little children in movies and books encroaching on our toes. It is the sound of it chasing behind us as we run away.

It is time. What will you do when you finish reading this letter? Will you simply continue checking your email? Will you forward it to a friend? Will you print it out to hang on your cubicle wall? Will you send it to a newspaper? Or will it just fade away?

It has always been your choice. All of it. It has always been your choice.

Good luck.
I feel contemplativecontemplative
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10:29am 31/08/2007
Goddam why do men have to be so effing difficult!?!

I tell them the truth. They expect head games. I play head games in pure fun, they get mad at me. I don't feel like doing something, and all of a sudden it's fucking personal!?!



(breaks something)

Thank you.

Where I'm At: computer.
I feel frustratedfrustrated
What I'm Listening To: anything pissed off.
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Just for those of you interested...  
11:53pm 30/08/2007
Adam and I have finally opened a Worious Proboard for everything, both RP and developmental. So...I know I don't post to many people, but if you may be interested, here's the link. There's not much there right now.


Enjoy! Mwah!

Where I'm At: Computer.
I feel creativecreative
What I'm Listening To: Teh sound of moosic?
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Hmm... Your chance to input. (p.s. NEW ICONS GO SEE!!!)  
06:20am 13/07/2007
OK. This is going to sound a little weird, but bear with me.

When I change my name, I am going to be dropping Vanessa from the certificate, and moving Joy to my first name.

This leaves me with an interesting possibility... What do I name myself for a middle name?

I would like you guys input on what you think.

No curse words accepted. I shouldn't even have to put that in there. But it's you people so I kinda have to.

CHeers! Peace.

p.s. new icons! GO SEE!
I feel thoughtfulthoughtful
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OH My god, I am pathetic.  
10:29pm 07/02/2007
Le sigh.

Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score
CategoryYour ScoreAverage
Slew entire Asgardian Pantheon with one hand while blindfolded
Sensitive Roleplaying10.13%
There is no player. There is only.... Zuul.
GM Experience23.91%
Closer to a novel than to a campaign
Systems Knowledge82.77%
Played in a couple of campaigns
Livin' La Vida Dorka27.59%
Carries dice in pocket 'just in case'
You are 36.65% pure
Average Score: 68.8%
I feel depresseddepressed
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Tash's Journal Made Me Do It  
09:33am 13/12/2006
I am worth $1,604,468 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

I guess I'm not worthless either! Yay!

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09:21pm 21/11/2006
Ok I'm finally back online. Praise hallelugiah. I wiped my hard drive and everything. SO! Now to install something resembling aim...


*goes to try to make her Hal work*

Yes. My comp's name is Hal.
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Oh Boy!  
08:23am 06/11/2006
Guess what, everyone! Our hard work paid off again! Sort of.

It was just posted that Carley won a free membership to next year's ConGlomeration. Yay Carley. Go to hell. :-D

In all honesty, though, I really do feel good about that. I'm glad someone out of our little crew got it. Though Tash deserved it too.

SO that's all my news.

I feel Ho-HumHo-Hum
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04:14am 02/11/2006
I love Neil's.
I love Blue Moon.
I is druink.
Sex while drunk. New experiment. Sucessfull onezzz


Southpark now.
I feel drunkdrunk
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(no subject)  
01:25pm 27/10/2006
heraldofdarknes's Halloween party:

bentash dressed as the King of Iraq.(I will hunt UUUU!)
brokenpellucid dressed as a vibrating pollen.(Abstract as always.)
eilonwy19 dressed as the Furious Power Ranger.(Somehow not surprising.)
heraldofdarknes dressed as Gisele Bundchen.(Who?)
lying_whispers dressed as Ozzy Osbourne.(And is STILL SHTEXY? How DOES she do it?)
reddragonnikhil dressed as a part-time webmaster.(And this is different how?)
sillyweasel dressed as Martin Van Buren.(Hee. Pell for president.)
tashrplogs dressed as the spirit of their dead grandmother Louise.(Meh eh?)
willowsfaerie dressed as a new member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Jolly Beggar.(Not surprising again.)
zeronine09 dressed as the Earl of Fort Drouin.(This...well...ha.)

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense

You haven't lived until you're thrown out of your old high school. Ex.

So I go up to my old alma mater. Munford effing High. So I sneak in and tell Ms. Roy (My old fave teach) that I'd like to come visit, if they ask she was expecting me. I go to the office. Tell them I'm there to see Ms. Roy, yes she's expecting me. Get my little sticker, name date time etc. I wander around, saying hi to the old teachers. I don't bother anybody, right?
BUT I'm also there to see one of my players who's having a problem with my cousin, who teaches there. I'm gonna have lunch with him to talk. No problem...at least when I went there there wasn't one. Oh well. Tipton county blows a serious amount of donkey ass. I'm sitting there, paid the adult price for a meal, when this assistant principal/secretary bitch comes up to me and asks what I'm doing. I tell her, and she informs me that the school doesn't allow visitors nowadays, and asks me to leave. So I relent to new policy and I'm gathering my things, and she comes out with,"Ma'am, could you please leave NOW?" Oh hell no. I leave all right, but it gets me to thinking that none of the 10 teachers I'd talked to told me I wasn't supposed to be there, and none of the students I was sitting with had ever heard of this new policy.

Go ahead, bitch. If you'd been anything less than a cum-guzzling thundercunt, I might have been nice.
What are you going to do? Expel me?

Guess what. Expel this.

You really haven't lived until you laugh your way out of your old high school at the dumbasses that run it now. As if your principal was any better...but you'd like to believe it, wouldn't you?
Where I'm At: HOME
I feel Pissed but EntertainedPissed but Entertained
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GUh and Happy Birthday to Me!  
01:50pm 06/09/2006

Not as surprising.

But there is SOMETHING INTRISICALLY WRONG when one of my best matches is Pell's PB... when one of her best matches is MY PB.



I feel Birthday!Birthday!
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OK Whatever.  
04:47pm 18/08/2006
Figured I might nip this in the bud right now, even though I don't feel like dealing with drama.
So this will probably be short, not so sweet, and a little bitchy. Oh well.

I will defend what I did solidly. I am sorry that some might feel that their trust was broken. The information that I used was not deemed classified in any conversation at any time. I told the person it involved, and who should have been told in the first goddam place.

You can't walk into something that has been standing for 3 years, be in it for one month, and then decide that it needs to die. And take people with you. After numerous times deciding that the rules don't apply to you. And being vocal about it. And not being vocal about the intention to break it.
The information I was passed, whether it was true or not, was true as I was told without mistake, as well.
AND, had anything like this been going on in my game...I would want to know. And personally, I didn't want to see something I'd sunk 10 months into going down the tubes because someone couldn't be patient with a mildly anti-social moderator.

Loyalty. Did you honestly think you could get someone to mod after you'd mutinied right out from under them, when they've put so much effort into it.

SO. I will not apologize for doing what I saw and retain seeing as right, though I will extend an apology for the hurt that it seems to have caused.

If it's any consolation, and it probably won't be, what I actually did had no real bearing on the end result.

If someone reading this has no idea what it's about...it's probably not meant for you. I heart you for reading it anyway.

Joy out.
I feel soursour
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04:42pm 15/08/2006
Sucky sucky sucky sucky virusy computer commit hari kari damn computer UGH

Aaaaaaahhhh library computer happy me crappy no myspace you fucking piece of junk

Con sent me home with lemonade and vodka. Happy lemonade and vodka. Happy happy joy joy.

I will update and go away....

I love you all.
I feel annoyedannoyed
What I'm Listening To: Mary Mary Quite Contrary
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07:33am 22/07/2006
Pell is in the hospital. She will be fine...eventually.

Kim was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She will be fine...eventually.

I had a nervous breakdown on the floor of my living room.

I will be fine...eventually.

God, I just want to lay down and stare at the ceiling and wait for the next convenient airplane crash.

I feel Very Very Dark.Very Very Dark.
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(no subject)  
10:56am 29/06/2006
I tell you what.

I am so mad at my father right now, I could fucking spit. He's...he's getting onto me for everything, it seems.
He tells me he's being so damn supportive. Then tells me I can't get a job because I'm fat. That I've lost all the "Christian Ideals" that I was raised with. No shit. I'm pagan.
The thing about it is, that I believe that the Ideals worth having are universal. THat you pick someone up who's down, brush them off, and love them. That you respect those worth respecting. That you live life to the fullest, responsibilities and fun balanced. It's all about balance, really. My roommate is a Karmaist. I think that's great, and I've seen it in effect.
THe thing is, he thinks I don't care. I do, he just doesn't want to hear it, and it depresses the hell outa mee. I'm glad he's a devout YHWH follower, i.e. Christian. I'm glad it works for him. I found a different path.

He wants me to move back home into the new addition they just added to the house. Meh. Neither he nor my mom would understand anything about me. My lifestyle, my friends, my music, my religion, or my tastes (not necessarily in that order). THat I have a beautiful and lovely girlfriend as well as getting married in September. That I enjoy going out to clubs every so often until 3-4 am. That I LARP. That I love to occasionally pump my rock up so loud it makes my heart beat to it's sound. That I drink on occasion, or that I smoke when he pisses me off too badly so that I can keep my cool. If I lived here, I'd go through a fortune to the nicotine Goddess.

Well, that's all for now, and my mom just got home. SO I'll go.

What I'm Listening To: Smile Empty Soul--Nowhere Kids
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Yeah, I'll do it too. *sigh*  
12:21am 28/06/2006

You fit in with:

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

80% spiritual.
40% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

This turned out somewhat right... I guess.
I feel boredbored
how do I find this?: quiz
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(no subject)  
02:31am 23/06/2006

Where was your soul born?[pics + detailed answeres]

Your soul was born in Ice.Some might think that water and ice is the same, but that's not true. Ice is what becomes of water when water gets hurt. Your element was once water, but something happened and your element turned to ice, which resulted in you soul being born in ice. Maybe someone close to you died or someone close to you betrayed you in some way. Either way, you are now a completely different person from who you were before. You are now shy and drawn back. You want people to notice you but youre afraid to make friends. You don't want to be hurt again. Depressed and mournful thoughts is eating you up inside. You want to scream but you just keep holding it all inside in fear of being rejected. Take a chance! There's people out there and they want to be friends with you.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

God, do I miss that girl.
I feel torturedtortured
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07:43am 12/06/2006
I had to cut this. It was too damned long on my recent page.Collapse )
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Happy Apocalypse DAY!  
07:57pm 06/06/2006
So! It's 6-6-06. May the end of the world be the best for you!

In L33t, that's ^_^_)^. Which means nothing.


Come on.
A.) We're not supposed to know who the Antichrist is until it's too late. It got written that way over 1500 years ago.
B.) Do you really think the super-intelligent prince of darkness is going to show up THE DAY WE EXPECT HIM TO?
It will be on a Wednesday. Or some other day of the week that ends in Y.
C.) You people are just nuts. Hooray for the trump sounding. We'll be rid of you.

OK, yeah. That was a little caustic and uncalled for. I'm in a bad fucking mood.

Here's the sitch.

In return for food, rent, and utilities, I watch my landlady/lord's 4 month old at least 9 hours a week. This is not normally this bad. But, in this case, her mommy has been working 70 hour work weeks, get to see her daughter maybe half an hour a day. It tears her up. Tension. Daddy has been taking so much care of baby that he's done something awful to his back, not to mention the car accident he was in this week. So he's in a lot of pain and trying his best not to be short. Tension. Baby is not only colicy but teething. Tension. I am an empath, and so are all of them. TENSION! I can't watch baby for very long. Things I don't need start going through my head. Such as, it's not my baby, why do I seem to be responsible, I'm only supposed to be wathcing baby for 9 hours a week... (4 now that I'm taking mommy to work every day.), why do I seem to be constantly on call, I don't feel like I can do anything for myself, my internet is spotty because of baby, and none of these things I want to go through my head because daddy is in so much pain and I feel sorry and I want to help out...but...AUGH I'm about to kill something! I understand a little of Carly's stuff about random impulses. Not 20 minutes ago I wanted to pound my head into the wall until it bled. It made perfect sense at the time and would have felt better than having to listen to the baby SCREAMING for no reason that I can tell.

I'm better now that I'm writing all this out. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

*sigh* So anyway. *tries to decide what userpic to use* CrazyBitch works. It's how I feel right now. I so want to just flip off the world and spend a day dead for tax purposes. In the forest. With a few friends. Destressing on a casting trip. That would be excellent. Casting Trip would be good. Time for me and the spirits. I feel like the worst druid ever right now.

*brightens up*

On the flip side, ConGlom contacted me. I'm running the LARP for them in August. They want me to run 2 nights straight for 75 people or so. Woot! It's going to be a lot of work, but I need a project again.

I love my LARP. My narrators are spectacular and I adore my players. They try so hard.

That's about it. I'm fighting having my characters post for NYM. For some reason, they're not talking. They're so adverse, they're beating the narrator in my head with sticks.


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Ruminations on Thingz....  
05:37am 29/05/2006
So...I saw X3...woo...

I haven't been updating. I know this, ok? I've just been caught between a mire of depression and a shitload of...well...shit.

I'll start at the beginning. It occured to me recently that I have had an almost entire turnover of all my friends. It feels empty inside some days. My mind does not function on all its pistons most days, because the people I am used to having there are...well, not. You hang with the new crew, happy in that moment, and then something you see or hear and you go, "You know who would get a kick out of that?...oh." And you just walk the spiral again. You can't escape it. It just is.

So I run into my ex-fiance' at a costume shop a few days ago. And it left me with a sad and bitter taste in my mouth. It occurs to me that as much as I have ranted and thought about Grace, not so much about Jay. A fantastic person, who...well...just wasn't meant to be. We didn't function correctly, and apparently he was meant for Grace anyway. I'm glad they're happy together. One of my very few regrets is how I left. Everyone seemed to know it was coming...including people who probably shouldn't have, except him. It crushed him...for awhile, so I heard. I was not the most tactful. I loved him. Part of me always will remember that smile and the wide eyes in tanned skin, long brown hair that has highlights now. God, he looks like a model now. I'm sure Grace has to take a baseball bat to cute chicks regularly over him. And the strangest thing is that I'm not jealous at all. I'm honestly thrilled. I just wish we could all be adult enough to stay friends. We were all friends before. You know. Coffee would be great. Talking about their cosplay addiction and what new DeVries trivia Grace has managed to pick up. I didn't even know J got Hobbes back until I hunted down his lj. Which of course, he'll now read and monitor what he says, if not lock it to friends. Which makes me sad, because once people are in the I Love category with me...I'd still take a bullet for both of them. I miss having them around to bullshit with.

And on to other people that I miss. Sarah...I'm not sure about. I did something...something I felt a good friend would do...and maybe I didn't do it right...ah hell, I never know. I suck at friendships. In any case, she hasn't tried to talk to me since. A big empty hole is there now, and I wonder every so often how she is, if she's doing well in school, if she's happy. I found a Sudoku game that was handheld and pretty colored and I thought, gee if i had 20 bucks I would so buy that for her. She loves Sudoku.

More of them! And possibly the biggest hole of all. You know when you have to go away for awhile and when you come back no one is the same? It's kinda opposite to that. Abz, my sister, has somehow decided that I am not on a path she condones, and therefore...I guess...we're not friends anymore. 8 years of frienship down the tubes. I feel like killing...well, not me, because I'm not stupid, but the impulse sure does feel like it. She was the person that I could call, because I didn't know what was wrong, and talk until I figured it out. Now things bang around in my brain. I've been a bitch lately, but no way to get it out. And typing takes effing forever. As I've now found out and have been typing for close to half an hour. I miss her so much. But things can't be how they were. She's getting married, and is so wrapped up in her affianced...I can't find anything in common any more. I like loud karaoke on wednesday nights, coupled with some trance from MIG. I like hanging at a friends' house debating the merits of 2nd ed. vs. 3rd ed. D&D till all hours. I like spending my Saturdays occasionally LARPing and getting all dolled up. None of which she likes. I'm not even sure WHAT she likes anymore. This is entirely depressing.

I had a miscarriage. There. I said it. It makes it real, right? It's given me some problems mentally recently, and I try so hard not to be emo and angsty. I hate drama with an effing passion. How am I supposed to write out how it feels to have your body kill someone without your permission? It hurts. It hurts in so many ways. And the absence of anyone aside from my roommate and my fiance to talk to about it hurts even worse.

Still can't find a job. A place will jerk me around for awhile...well, call the manager tomorrow...we lost your application...we'll have some openings...We just need so-n-so's approval...BULLSHIT! Just gimme a job, pay me SOMETHING OR OTHER, and tell me to do things. I'll sell ice to an eskimo if I can actually pay my gas bill.

Missing other people who decided not to speak to me. Feeling the sway of the future looming up on me. I feel old, even though I'm not. I feel the process of dying within my system. It's an odd feeling. It's natural, part of the cycle of the world...but it's still strange, to feel yourself dying. Not like suicide dying but like everyone will. And this whole marriage thing...it's wonderful. I can't wait. Get it the hell over with. Finally told my parents. They...didn't take me out of the will. Which is a good sign.

I'm tired of typing right now. I don't know what else to type, but my brain doesn't feel any less full.

I feel useless, empty, stupid, unfulfilled, depressed beyond all get out, tired, ignorant, pointless, hopeless, and entirely worthless.
I have done nothing with my life except struggle along the path I chose...which isn't a bad path...just mine, the one my stupid hard-headed mind needs to learn. Hard knocks and all that. I'm no closer to my gaming store, though I wish for it desperately. I have to figure out how to get off this low plateau.

But I'm not seeing the out any day soon.

Ugh. Sorry for the horridly depressed post. Had to pour it out of my ear to keep my brain from overheating.

I feel Depressed As All Hell.Depressed As All Hell.
What I'm Listening To: Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
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07:23pm 24/04/2006
Pell and Me Fucking With People We Know.

Fun with TashCollapse )

Fun With BobCollapse )


Joy. For letting Pell talk her into this.
I feel amusedamused
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Time to Update  
12:29pm 24/04/2006
Yeah. I never update. Time to update. The past two shitty days need to have somewhere to go.

Saturday,April 22.

I stress majorly about LARP. I hope against hope that I will have no major explosions, no player death, and no massive amounts of OOC. I feel sick. W feels like shit, as he did not sleep last night. Stupid boy, played cards until morning. Grumpy him. Grumpy me.
LARP. Went well. After I was there early and everything. Major complaint=playing in park. Mental note to not play in park often. Go to CK Rockets. I engage in a convo with a friend, R. He, through innocent conversation, informs me that my absolute best friend in the whole wide world is getting cheated on. I go home. I throw up the rest of the night. Fun.

Sunday, April 23.

I spend a day dead for tax purposes. Mostly in order to stress about information given earlier. Dammit. Play Syberia 2. Don't talk to many people. End up having an argument with W over how fair spending a day dead is to your significant other. Will not enlighten you as to my side of the argument. Directly after this development, my BF calls. I start panicking, and crying, and end up telling her everything I heard. Figured, a good friend would do so, right? I was stressing about whether she'd hate me more for saying something...or for not saying anything. Goddamnit. I should have listened, because now she's blocked me. Spend the rest of the night feeling like shit. Throw up again.

Monday, April 24.

I get woken up at 7:30 in the morning by W telling me exactly why he thinks spending a day dead is unfair. I gripe at him after 2 hours of sleep, and hang up. I have nightmares about trying to rescue a baby from a burning building. Over and over and over again. And failing.Get woken up at 10. Don't remember why. End up falling back asleep on the couch in most uncomfortable position. Get up, go back to bed. More nightmares. Same ending. Dead baby.



EDIT: Not to mention that I bitched Tash out for nothing. At all. and ended up calling him at 4 a.m. my time to apologize.

And now I'm manually locked out of my own bank acccount.

I repeat. Fuck. :END EDIT
I feel annoyedannoyed
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The G issue  
01:49pm 12/03/2006
Before you say anything, yes, it has been a long time. I usually blog my myspace, not my livejournal. I usually reserve livejournal for nym roleplay. But myspace fails me and I need to blog, so here I go.

Back in the beginning, I wrote about G. I saw her today. Just helping Sarah move back into school off of spring break. I see someone from about 400 yards, and I know it's her. Her walk, her movements, I know them. Like I've always known them.

I started thinking after I said hi. She actually made the first move. She waved, said hi. It's a neat feeling. So I'm thinking and I'm thinking. Sarah said, "I don't know her like you did, Joy, you would know."

Yes, actually, I would know. Dammit, I would. I know her walk, the way her shoulders hunch over and noone sees how tall she really is. I know that she would give her left arm to marry Brad Dourif, that she at one point had 17 cats in H where she lives, that one of her dreams is for Dune to come true so that she can be a mentat, that she loves Star Wars and Sailor Moon, and gets drunk on white grape juice. I have pictures! I know that thing she does, looking up at you through her eyelashes when you give her a compliament. I remember the nights we spent role playing across the room when we were lying on our sides at 2 a.m. I remember going shopping for garb and other things, taking her to Lugh. She liked helping in the kitchen, and everyone said she was fantastic. I remember her long brown hair with the cute little baby hairs, her deep eyes that would sparkle when she sang Jekyll and Hyde. Yes, I know her. I may not know the recent particulars, but I know her.

So I'm thinking all these things, staring out a third story window, and I suddenly realize something. I loved her. I so deeply loved her that these things remain with me and continue to bother me even close to two years later. Now, I was straight when I knew G, and after that I met some others on my road of life that opened my eyes. So when I look back, I finally realized it. Just today. After 4 years, after 2 years. I loved that girl more than anything. And I still do. Seeing her today, seeing her every few months always makes my blood run a little cold and my heart beat fast. I used to think it was because I was hurt. And something even more sad? She can't know about it. She'd totally flip out. I mean lose it. I'd lose any chance of her friendship again...not like I probably have one now, but, hope springs eternal.

You know how sometimes you wish that you could write something down, and the person that you wrote it too would somehow magically open it and read it just at the right time? Just so that they knew what you needed them to know just at the right moment? Well, this is one of those letters.
If I knew she was going to read this, I'd say...

G, you need to know that I am still with you. I was always with you. You've thrown a lot away. When I needed to make some really hard decisions in my life, you were there for me. If ever the time comes when you have no one, you'll still have me. All you have to do is call, and there will be no questions, no anger, no sadness. I'll just be there. And that's something you can't lose. Not if you tried. I love you. Make no mistakes about that.

So, there's the thoughts on my mind right now.

Have fun. It was all written in honesty.

I feel contemplativecontemplative
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My Cyborg Name  
11:47am 12/10/2005
I really like this one. I really like the one for my first name, as well, but I try not to let anyone know what my first name is.

Handcrafted Electronic Replicant Assembled for Logical Destruction

Fuck that's cool!!

I feel aggravatedaggravated
What I'm Listening To: Nothing. And I'm Annoyed by this.
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Error running style: S2TIMEOUT: Timeout: 4, URL: heraldofdarknes.livejournal.com/ at /home/lj/src/s2/S2.pm line 531.